I was working security in this abandoned building and as a part of my duty i had to do patrols of the entire premises. During my patrol everyday i’d come across this one locked door that opened to the back of the building from the first floor (probably the fire escape) and since there was a canal flowing at the back of the building, I never saw that section. Every time i walked passed the door i’d imagine how spatular the view must be if i opened the door, i’d be at a height looking down at the canal and the boats in it. I created this amazing scene where a cool breeze would sweep through me as i open the door and the sun would shine from the side while the water would shine and the boats ripple through its surface. I would look down and see all that and the unobstructed view of the park across the canal, the lush green grass and people going about their business while i stood there in the cool summer breeze. One thing that stopped me every time was the thought that by opening the door I would be misusing my authority as a security officer who’s be handed the keys to the entire building FOR ITS PROTECTION, not to open doors for my own personal agenda. Besides, what if the view isn’t as spatular as I’ve dreamt in my head, what if by opening the door i’m destroying a perfectly good memory i’ve so meticulously crafted over the past few months going past the door. Every time i’d walk past the door the same battle would erupt in my mind and every time i’d decide to not open it since it was an irresponsible thing to do, I might open the door and cause some damage to the property, or somebody see’s me and reports to the company and get me fired. Over time the door remained closed and before i knew it summer was gone, it was winter now and the site’s contract had expired. I never got to see the view i wanted but maybe I preserved a happy memory, i’ll never know and the worst part is that no one can ever know because that building was set to be demolished and a foot bridge was created in its place, across the same canal. Now people will walk on the footbridge for years but no one will ever know how the view would’ve been from the 2nd story of the same spot. Thats how I imagine life to be, we can look at things as they are or we can choose to ignore reality completely and keep looking at things as we want them to be. People may think It was stupid of me to miss out on the chance when i had it just because of the improbable and minuscule risks it held, and because of some imaginary boundaries i created for myself, but is that too different from what people do everyday? Everyday, I see people ignore the true nature and reality of life just because they are too afraid to see what they might find if they start looking for it, instead they create their own reality and choose to confine themselves within it until the day they die.
You once asked me who I am and Naive as I was could not say anything but “nothing”.Today after all these years i realised that you never understood what it ment to be nothing.I was nothing and that made me a part of everything, the sun, the stars,the moon and mars, I was the the hum before a song and the hush after, I was the day that lit up and the night consumed in darkness, I was the thunder,the clouds and the rains alike, drowned in my own darkness i was buried so deep that the slightest shimmers became blinding bright, I was the Blood underyour skin and the the sand under your feet, I was the roof above your head and I was the beautiful lie. I was life itself and the death that follows, I was all that because everything comes from nothing and moves to nothing. Being nothing gave me the freedom to become everything, i was the universe in all its glory and a speck of void all the same. Like an empty canvas I presented myself to be painted but weighed aginst rocks and wood and metal and goods you could not understand the worth of nothing because it was too big and far too strange for a merchant to understand the worth of goods he connot count or contain. I gave you infinity and you ran towards the comfort of numbers, gasping towards the glimmer of stars while the sun was at your doorstep. I am nothing and I will be nothing that is the ultimate form of being. That what you could not comprehend could never appreciate. One day you will lose yourself and become nothing and on that day the answers will dawn a new light in the emptiness of your abyss. Being nothing is absolute.
These past few days I’ve found myself frantically clinging to screens. I’d desperately try to keep my mind occupied and kept it jumping from one task to another. I don’t know what drives this desperation but i feel as if stopping to to take a breath is going to shatter my entire existence. I don’t laugh or cry nor do i feel any emotion. It’s as if everything has gone numb and pain has taken over my existence once more. Only if there was a way to understand it… my own self is slipping away from my clutches and I know not who or what I am!!! It’s not my first visit to this barren wasteland so I do know my way around it pretty well, but still, when old wounds are left unattended they grow instead of healing and mine have grown to the size where warm blood gushes from them to drown the peaks of my hopes, ambitions, dreams and all that i hold dear…like well timed flood this will eventually pass leaving nothing but destruction behind. I,once again will be left to start from the scratch. I lay tired , waiting once more for the day I can sleep in peace…what a bright way to start the new year and such a happy birthday it is for me…its been 3 years and I’ve hated no day more than this…
People often wish for the ability to peek into the future and witness it before hand so that they can mold it into the shape they want it to be. I often dream of having such power, i’m really not sure if i should call it a dream because the reality of it all seems so vivid that i feel like i was actually there. Leaping back and forth in time and space, watching events unfold, people’s lives from a spectator’s point of view.It’s as if within that moment i am watching a play and I’ve already read the script a million times, as if i know all the characters and their roles intimately and understand the bubbles they live in.Sometimes I see a random stranger go through a tragedy brought upon them through an intricate flow of events, incidents occurring at exactly the right place precisely the correct time and in the most accurate order possible.I don’t remember much from these visions but the lessons I learnt from them were quiet clear, I understood what i was supposed to learn from each story and forgot the rest. That would be the most efficient way to absorb maximum information from all the lives I’ve lived within those visions. The one thing they taught me perfectly was that pain and sorrow are not our enemies but on the contrary are our best friends who come into our lives to teach us some important lessons.Throughout time I have never seen pain that comes to a person without bearing gifts of wisdom,understanding,maturity or a lesson, sometimes the gifts are grater in numbers than others but there is always a gift hidden in there somewhere.It’s understandable to hate the pain a character goes through in the first act of the play but once you’ve been through the whole script you begin to understand that the pain was essential for the development of the character into the person we see during the later acts of the play.I see my future in those visions and i see the person i become after going through the immense possibilities of life.In time we learn to love the pain life gives us and start wearing the scars as decorative medals of insight because we understand that they are a part of us and we accept them as such.leaping forward in time would be the most useless power to have because a life without mistakes or regrets wouldn’t be a life worth living it’s the problems that keep things interested and keep us preoccupied enough with life that we don’t get bored.So even though i have the power to change my future i wouldn’t change a thing because changing it to have any less problems or mistakes would mean that i also won’t be receiving the lessons that i would’ve learnt from them and that’s not something I would ever want.
Today is the first day since he left and already the colours have started to fade away from life,
The rooms are darker the colours are more grey and the air is moist, maybe it’s my senses playing games with me or maybe it’s the result of my neverending tears,
I had read about the pain of loss and heard too many stories but I never imagined the reality of it to be too literal,
The walls echo of his loss and every sound brings the news of his arrival,
Time, my mortal enemy, that which once galloped on when he was by my side, now stands still to prolong my anguish!!
People are nothing but lifeless bodies wandering around in the empty cocoons of the self. We pretend to be strong and willful but it’s just a facade, the truth is that nobody is as strong as they pretend to be, in fact no one is strong at all. We are all weak brittle dolls trapped inside our own cages surrounded by a world filled with hammers ready to crush our souls at each instance,once crushed our should picks itself back together and raises more walls on their own cages,crushed over and over the cages eventually turn into forts that do nothing but trap us further into our own loneliness.These strong walls are never protection enough tho, because these crushed shards of our soul are so loosely held together now that a single word, six tiny letters are enough to drag you down from the peak of glee to the dark howling depths of sorrow. I realized that when not long ago I was with my friends having a lovely time, it was long since I had laughed this much but out of the blue I heard a single word, and in an instant those six tiny letters had brought me to tears.This was really a disturbing experience for me since I rarely find myself in such a vulnerable position since most of the time I find myself untainted by the Colors of emotions and sentiment. Don’t get me wrong, I am a deeply caring guy, but when it’s about sorrow I tend to find myself on a much stronger position than others. I have crossed paths with death herself but even she couldn’t shake me as much as that tiny word did.No matter how long it has been,no matter how much you have tried,I think that our souls are always fragile enough to be crushed by weightless words.I wish it wasn’t so, but wishes rarely come true…
Usually when I’m sad i write a peom about it, but today i decided to write because what i feel is not gonna be easy to turn into a poem…or maybe I’ve just lost everything including my gift for poetry…Soo yeah I’m sad today and more than that I’m lost, because I’m not too sure about who i am or what does life wants from me.Every now and then i end up losing everything and when I’m stuck in that void i try talking it out with someone,but this time EVERYTHING includes the people i talk to…”Everything” is such a small word when you use it to describe what you’ve lost but alas its all i have for now…my life is a sad poetry and at the end of it all its words will end up being BURRIED forever without ever being read and this beautiful BEAUTIFUL pain of mine is going to be lost forever.So today I’m leaving a trail of breadcrums on this graveyard called the internet…maybe someday someone will be able to relate and there will be one less lonely soul….
Ending is a profound topic in the order of the universe. Like a stack of dominos events conspire to ultimately bring about one of the many possible outcomes and the results can be inevitable, inconclusive or insubordinate. They can be a product of out creation or the instruments to our formation.
Everything that ends opens a gateway to something new. It can be destruction, Salvation, substitution, a vivid institute or simply leading towards a void. Humans take endings with a certain severity. Fot them the emptiness that follows it signifies a staggering personality. They give endings a certain amount of time and during that period a vaccume is created which can be exhilarating and excruciating at the same time. This parallel existance of nothing and everything brings about unexpected changes. Times of great sorrow can reveal instruments of redemption, beyond incarceration we discover salvation. It is through the end that we realize that a new beginning is possible. Every tree that dies provides a chance for new flowers to bloom.
Today when i waked under the shadow of the trees a cool blow of the breeze shook them and suddenly there were leaves cascading down all around me.As i watched them fall, those withered, broken leaves struggling to go down as the air pushed them upwards resulting in a sway to their motion i felt peace. Peace beacuse I realized that I’m not much different from them, my heart is nothing different from a leaf green with happiness but as the seasons change and it starts to die a little everyday until all it takes is one small blow to tear it apart and despite all my efforts to revive it, it keeps on falling until it reaches abyss…but i know the story doesn’t ends here, for soon the weather will change again and the same winds that brought them down will brings with them the rain that will quench the soils and bring life once again to the barren branches of life itself…thats how nature works, thats how happiness works… ;
There comes a time when you look around and see grey everywhere, the colors of life faded and the expressions all look blank, the sound of life echos no more and silence whispers in every rank.Life takes a toll for all our happiness, usually it takes more than it gives.The price may not seem too much but after a while you enter a dark corner and nothing but black surrounds you, you hear no one and you see nothing, you pretend to breath and smile at the emptiness.For a while now I’ve realized that most of the emptiness is a consequence of my personal endeavors for comfort and peace. I push people away and then I sit back and wallow about being alone, I shouldn’t be doing that but i find it difficult to detach myself from this vicious cycle….Sometimes I think maybe because i like the pain of being alone that’s why i cant let it go or maybe its become something of a habit, I write a lot but words never seem to suffice for all that goes around in my mind.With that being said I don’t think there’s a way to evade Life’s toll…We all suffer, one way or another…